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Life Experiences

Dear Alcohol

This is a client’s personal journey through treatment and at 145 days sober,
this was a therapeutic letter they wrote to help them work through their journey.

Dear Alcohol,

I’m sorry it took so long to come and talk to you. After what happened the last time we got together, I had to take some time away to think about our relationship and what we had done, what I wanted with my life, and what I needed to accomplish it. It has been 15 years since we first met and we have been through a lot together.

Remember all those nights we stayed up smoking cigarettes and weed and laughing until the sun came up?

Remember all the poker hands that we played and all the game nights that we hosted? Those were the good old days. I miss us from back then.

Remember when we got drunk with [my friend] at 9 in the morning and then drove to school? They locked down the whole building and called the police on us, man we got in so much trouble that day. I’m pretty sure we still hold the record for the most ****** up things a student has ever done. The only record I have ever held. We thought all that was kind of funny back then, we were only having fun!

Remember when we would go to the bar every Thursday with people from work? I can’t believe they never pulled us over on the drive home after doing it so many times.

Remember when we went to that Christmas party for all the supervisors and tried Jaeger Bombs for the first time? We came back to my house afterwards to party some more and we ended up dropping my dad’s Harley on the ground because we decided to sit on it? My dad wouldn’t look at me for days.

Remember thinking that we were going crazy because all we would do was go to work, drink until we got tired and then do the same thing the next day?  I don’t recall much from those days to be honest, it’s really a blur. Remember all those fights [my significant other] and I got into because [they] didn’t like us hanging out together?

Do you remember how we would sneak out of the apartment to go hang out with [people] after [my significant other] would fall asleep and we would come back at like 4 in the morning? That was crazy wasn’t it?

Once I got pregnant we had to stop hanging out for awhile, but remember when we hung out for the first time after months? It was so nice to see you. After a couple of weeks we started hanging out just as much as we used to. We even started seeing each other during the day, it was our little secret. Things stayed like that for awhile, but do you remember…. When we got trashed and came home from my [sibling’s] party and I got the police called on us? Do you remember the day after when DCFS came to take [my child] away because in the law’s eyes I was not a fit [parent]?

We’ve been through a lot and had our ups and downs haven’t we? I know we were always able to kind of brush things off in the past, but what happened after we hung out the last time was a deal breaker for me.

That’s why I locked you in that room. I knew it would be easier for us both if we couldn’t see each other.   It’s been almost 5 months since I last saw you. 145 days to be exact. In the beginning of those days I would hold the key to your door and reassure you that we would get through this, that I would let you out as soon as I could figure out how. We would talk about sneaking away together so that we could live our lives in peace. I know you were confused and probably feeling a little upset and vengeful when I stopped talking to you. I’ve come down today to confess something and I hope you can understand why I did what I did, but I know you aren’t going to like it and that is totally understandable.

You see, I don’t have the key anymore.

I went to a meeting about 4 months ago called Alcoholics Anonymous and confided in them about our relationship, I told them about the key and that I held onto it for safety. They welcomed me into their group and we told tales and stories. They told me to keep coming back, but in order to do so I had to give them something; I gave them the key to your door. They took it and used the metal to forge a coin for me to carry. So you see, I can’t unlock your door like I said I would. I’m not going to be there for you to feed off of anymore. I know that throughout time you are going to become smaller and smaller, so tiny that you will be able to fit under the door that I locked you behind. I know that you will sit back and wait for me to have a moment as weak as you are. And what happens when you present yourself like you have in the past? It’s a hard road out of hell, I know seeing you is going to be difficult, but I will have worked hard, and put in many hours and effort into learning how to tell you that I don’t need you to help me. So now that you have heard my confession, please listen to what else I have to say.

When I first sat down to write what I wanted to tell you, I couldn’t help but feel the need to yell at you- and I did. At the end of the session my hand hurt from furiously writing, my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth and I had to massage my face because I couldn’t seem to relax my eyebrows after furrowing them so hard. I wanted to write more but after the third page I felt exhausted, so I vowed to come back later once I took a break. During that break I realized that… I could stand here and tell you that you ruined my life, that you betrayed me, and that you tried to take someone from me that you have no business taking. I can stand here and say that this was your fault, that I hate you and I could never forgive you for all the things you’ve put me through, but I don’t want to be angry anymore. Not with you, myself or anyone else. So instead of saying those things I want you to know that I forgive you and that I’m not mad at you. I NEED you to know that love is blind, so blind that I can’t see where I need to go when I’m with you. After being apart I can see clearly now, and my future can’t have you in it. I know that you know that. So maybe the next time you see me, instead of trying to get me to hang out again, we could just silently reminisce the good memories of our past and go our separate ways. The decision is yours, but until then, love always and forever, XX